Claim your Land in Hell and wear it proudly as the frozen filth of the Third Circle hails down upon your name for all gluttonous eternity. Product overview In the realm where cold, eternal rain falls in sheets of fetid slush, you are granted dominion over a 1‑acre parcel in the Third Circle of Hell, Gluttony, complete with a ceremonial deed and a branded garment to flaunt your damnation among the howling shades. Here, where the gluttonous writhe in icy mire beneath the slavering gaze of Cerberus, your acre stands as a mockery of mortal luxury and a monument to your exquisite bad taste. What’s included 1‑acre “parcel” in the Third Circle of Gluttony, staked in spirit among the stinking mire and endless rain that lashes the souls who gorged in life and now wallow in frozen filth. A personalized ceremonial deed naming you lord or lady of this squalid domain, suitable for framing above your earthly dining table or beneath your basement shrine to eternal overindulgence. A high‑quality Land in Hell t‑shirt, emblazoned with a small house wreathed in flames and the full slogan: “We’re Living through Hell, Might as Well Buy some Land There.” The satisfaction of knowing your purchase honors the gluttons’ fate while still nodding to earthly virtue, for even in Hell’s rain‑lashed muck, we make a stand against man‑made climate change. Setting: Third Circle, Gluttony Your acre lies beneath a sky that never clears, where cold, heavy rain, hail, sleet, and snow fall without cease, churning the ground into a rank swamp of icy mud and refuse. Here the damned sprawl like pigs, blind to their neighbors, their bodies half‑submerged in sludge that stinks of all they once devoured with mindless delight. Above them looms Cerberus, the three‑throated hound whose swollen belly and clawed paws rake the gluttonous as they moan and gnash their teeth in helpless craving. His howls drown out the muttered prayers of the shades, and his slobber mixes with the sleet that pelts your land, a monstrous steward of your infernal real estate. Notable neighbors Among the many nameless bellies wallowing in the muck, one shade rises briefly to greet new “landowners”: Ciacco, called “the Hog,” who once feasted in Florence and now gurgles prophecies through teeth clogged with slime. He will not manage your parcel, but his presence is a reminder that civic pride, fine banquets, and fashionable decadence all end in the same cold mud. Around you groan multitudes who squandered food, hoarded luxury, or lived only for the next indulgence, their earthly warmth repaid with endless chill and stench. Your deed marks out a patch of this misery as your own symbolic fief—an acre of poetic justice carved from the swamp of appetite. Deed details and delivery Upon purchase, a PDF copy of your infernal deed will be sent to the email address you provide, bearing your name and the dread designation of “Third Circle, Gluttony – One Acre Under Eternal Rain.” Within 7 business days, the physical deed—printed on earthly stock but sealed with otherworldly solemnity—will be mailed in an 8.5" x 11" black envelope to the shipping address you specify. This solemn document proclaims your symbolic claim in the mire watched over by Cerberus and shared with the likes of Ciacco and the countless nameless feasters whose banquets ended in sludge. Display it where your guests can ponder whether their next helping is worth a circle closer to your new neighbors. T‑shirt design and fulfillment Your included t‑shirt bears the Land in Hell logo: a small, defiant house ringed in flames, standing like a stubborn homestead amid the downpour of filth. Beneath it curls the full slogan, a shrug in the face of apocalypse: “We’re Living through Hell, Might as Well Buy some Land There.” All apparel is created on‑demand to reduce waste; we may be devils, but we are not Republicans, and even in Hell we refuse to glut the world with unused cotton while man‑made climate change scorches what’s left of Eden. Your shirt will be printed and shipped shortly after your order is processed, arriving fashionably late—unlike the souls of Gluttony, who arrived long ago and will never leave. Shipping and damnation notes Deed PDF delivered via email shortly after purchase for instant bragging rights. Physical deed shipped in a black 8.5" x 11" envelope within 7 business days. T‑shirt ships separately once printed on‑demand; timelines may vary by region of the mortal realm. While your parcel resides beneath the endless storm of Gluttony, your body remains above, free to feast, laugh, and hold up your deed as a warning—or an invitation—to your fellow diners. After all, in an age where excess is the norm, owning a slice of Hell is less a curse than a candid mirror.
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