In my mind it was a meaningless existence. The world around me was moving on, laughing, feeling, experiencing and I was excluded from it all. It felt foreign, like I was spiraling out of control, with no end in sight, no happiness just guilt. Guilt for wishing away my current state, guilt for completely being consumed by my own grief and complete hatred for every moment that I was living. So angry, frustrated and completely trapped. Thankful for nothing except the shower, a place that would wash away my tears and leave no trace of evidence behind. There was a scream trapped inside my head, unable to come out and getting bigger and bigger as each meaningless day rolled past. My eyes were stripped from seeing any particle of joy. Everything, everyone, every object, every word, book, song, show, every word of wisdom was a source of sorrow. There is an end, but you have no energy to hope, so you do not see it. “How are you?” they ask. But how do you tell them? How do you make them understand that there is hatred, sadness and resentment seeping out of your every pore? “Be happy, savour the journey, you are so blessed.” they say. But do they know that this suffering is beyond sanity? Beyond anything you have control over? And so you roll over, close your eyes, resign yourself to this meaningless existence and pray that sleep will come. Only it never does and you lie there spiraling further into the darkness.
