My grandparents, and probably a large portion of America from 1968 to 1986, owned hard, boxy living room furniture that was covered in itchy fabric flecked with random colors. It was as if the couch designer brief was 'let people sit, but not with shorts or a t shirt on, and not for too long'. Because America runs on nostalgia, I got in by cardboard box time machine and travelled back to 1983, where I cut a square out of MeMe's couch. I never knew, was it MeMe, or Meme? I just capitalized everything after the Man let me stop writing in cursive in 5th grade, so the capitalization was a moot point, from a letter writing perspective. I cloned the fabric, using Mr. Wizard's Couch Cloning Set (15 fun experiments, and 100 boring ones!). After melting the sink trap at my neighbors house, (Sorry Keith's mom!) I figured out that you shouldn't throw out the directions to the Cloning Set before you start mixing chemicals. The result: 5 colors of MeME's couch bar wrap. First, the most authentic, Gangrene Green. This color was everywhere in her house. Shag carpet toilet seat cover, drapes, carpet on the floor, couch. Not all on one room, but enough was scattered around that you knew: this woman likes green, or likes things that are on sale that happen to be green. Then, we have James's Childhood Couch Grey. I had this couch in my life for 25 years, but it finally bit the dust when a thorough vacuuming revealed that it actually no longer existed. In its prime, which was roughly from 1979 to 1999, the couch was a lovely wool grey, the kind of grey that went with everything and really pulled the room together. Third up: Crayon Sea Blue, so named because I don't way to be sued by the crayon company. This was my favorite crayon color circa 1986, and I gotta say, it's probably my favorite today too. If you wanted to draw that mountain stream, this is the color you wanted to use sparingly, but effectively. Nothing said: utopian 1st grade waterway like that blue crayon. Most black bar tapes are exceedingly dull, like that uncle you have that's really into collecting VHS rewinding machines. Unlike your uncle, this black tape has pizzazz, distant 3th cousin to the rizz. Let's call it 3rd Cousin Black. It's black with fun little flecks of yellow and orange and cyan. Grippier than denture grip. Finally, there's House Paint on the Ford Taurus Red, named in honor of a childhood recollection of a friend's dad painting his car with a muted eggshell red with a cheap paint brush. This wrap has a stiffener bonded to the back, so it won't stretch out and get all floppy jalopy on you. The stiffener makes it 13% harder to wrap than say, cheapo cork tape, but it lasts longer, and looks better. Just use patience. And super glue gel to start and end the tape. Wrap it over Fizik gel. We've updated the tape for modern sensibilities with a double sided tape, so it wraps like normal cotton bar tape, or really, any non-foamy tape. That's to say it's 15% harder to wrap than super cheapo foam tape, but it's not hard if you are semi skilled at wrapping tape. If foam is a 1 outta 10 on the difficulty scale, this tape is a 3 and leather tape is a 5. 1 roll is big enough for 1 complete set of 52cm wide dirt drops. Pre cut the bar wrap areas, then cut the remaining tape in half for each side. 18' of tape, +/- an inch or two.
